I’ll be honest I’m not doing too great at the moment so I decided it was time to write a blog post as this often feels like therapy and I want to be able to help other people if they’re having a bit of a sh*tty time, I want them to read this and know not everyone lives a glossy Instagram ready life. In fact, nobody truly lives like that, I just want this to serve as reassurance I guess and you guys know I love some real talk.
So this week hasn’t been great, I started it on tour with burlesque (for reference tour is usually a holiday in Europe that you go on with a university sports society, usually to compete against other unis, it also involves a lot of drinking and just generally a lot of students in the same place). As a disclaimer I also want to say that none of this was caused by the wonderful ladies in my society, they actually helped a lot and what happened was because of me, I’m not blaming anyone, this is just for context.
I also want to add that I’m in my final year of uni, which in itself is a mental health rollercoaster and most days I feel a bit wobbly.
So I went on tour, I think the 28-hour coach ride and lack of sleep didn’t help, when we got there, everyone just napped, unpacked, went to the local supermarket and just generally settled in. I think at this point I was okay, later on getting ready I wasn’t that happy with what I was wearing but I went to pre’s and here I really struggled to talk to people and became very aware that I was sat on the outside of the group so spend most of that time overthinking and beating myself up for not having enough confidence. The alcohol didn’t make it any easier to talk. Someone took me aside for a quick chat and mentioned that they were a little surprised I came on tour and I just started to break, bless her I know she didn’t mean it like at all but it just served as a reminder that everything I felt, other people could see. I left pre’s early, went back to the villa, sobbed and called a close friend.
The next day I went to the outdoor pool (it was freezing and the air outside was also about 10 degrees), I felt better about things having made a few more connections and was hopeful for the evening. Essentially the same thing happened the second night, again I looked around the room and felt so worthless compared to other people, I started to have the same thoughts as the night before and again left early. My roommate asked me not to go and I felt worse about leaving because I felt like I was letting her down. I went home and sobbed, really struggled to control my breathing. While in my villa I overheard someone talking about me saying they were surprised I came on tour, again I know she didn’t mean it in a mean way she was just concerned but when you’re already in that state it’s hard to see other people’s perspective. So I sat in my room again on the phone to my friend and two of the girls came in and tried to talk to me and comfort me. Which I want to say that I did really appreciate that, that you came to find me and tried your best to help, thank you. That night my bed also collapsed on one side, so while being a mess I had to try to unscrew the legs on my bed so it would lay flat.
The next day I was emotionally exhausted and just spent all day in bed.
The weather was better on the final day, it was finally warm and we went on a day trip to a nearby city, this was great and lifted my mood a lot. So that night I was excited to try again and go out, so I did, and the theme was burlesque so I was excited to dress up and feel good. Pre’s were great, I didn’t leave early and actually went out to the club. On the way home I decided to call the friend that I rang on the first two nights. Me and him have a very complicated friendship because of how we met and the fact I have feelings for him, he supports me a lot when my mental health is bad and I appreciate him so much, but like I said it’s complicated. I don’t know why but this particular night I decided to tell him a lot of hurtful things to intentionally cause him pain because sometimes I struggle to just be friends and I guess I wanted him to feel that same struggle that I do. I don’t know where our friendship stands or if we even have one anymore.
The night before tour I also went on a date that went really well and I was really looking forward to seeing him again when I came back, we had a similar sense of humour and when I was struggling with mental health over the past week I was really honest with him and he said he wanted to support me. This was reassuring that he wanted me for me and I was hopeful for the future. We had another date the day after I came back, again we were silly together and it was nice to have his company after how lonely I’d felt. After we had a conversation about where this was going and he said (jokingly apparently) that he didn’t see anything happening because I’m a vegetarian and he loves steak. I honestly don’t even have a response to that, he led me to believe that things were going well and then gave me a very immature response to a serious question. I just felt disappointed and let down again, I’d got y hopes up for nothing, only to be reminded that nobody views me as long term material, which is a pretty damn personal thing to be told.
Thankful to be going back home today, think I just need a hug from my mum and a cuddle with the cat.
I have purposefully chosen not to post any pictures from tour on social media or include them in this post because I don’t think the images of me smiling on the final night are an accurate representation of what actually happened.
Lots of love